Am I being stupid?
It’s almost been over a year and I am still unable to overcome this feeling- a feeling that I can’t describe, a feeling which has seized me and a feeling which I feel so inferior to as it controls me.
I seem to be very good at hiding how I always really feel- but it doesn’t mean my confidence is a façade. Sometimes I have this exterior, that everything is “okay” and that life is harmonious as one would wish for it to be. I don’t like my outward appearance to mirror the distress and pain that I feel inside. But if this feeling doesn’t go away- then nothing is okay, and sometimes, hiding it is almost impossible.
Not to sound too cliché, but I feel a heavy weight constantly pushing me down- that heavy weight is probably that “feeling,” but I don’t know. But there is one thing that I do know- is that that feeling is definitely not happiness.
I’m completely contradicting my self-given personality trait of being confident, yet anxiety is something which dominates my everyday life and dictates my every move but it contributes to this over-arching feeling. So can confidence and anxiety co-exist or am I being stupid?
I have changed a lot. And when I say change, I mean have become an extremely emotional person. And no, it is not due to hormones as most people would tell me when I seem to have expressed how I feel inside, because they haven’t seen it before, nor does it correlate with my ‘personality.’ Many have become ignorant to the fact that I feel emotion and am allowed to express it, in ways that some may see or won’t. Tears mean something more now than they have ever done before and now seem to only express that single, irritable, confusing “feeling.”
Sometimes I feel stupid for possessing this life-consuming “feeling” because it’s probably not real. But, turns out it is because I can feel it every single moment. There seems to be no way to get rid of it but every second it continues to exist, that thing we call quality of life, deteriorates.
Now, what to do?
The truth is, I don’t know.
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