There are two kinds of luck. The first is one we insist is true, to ourselves and each other, any time we catch ourselves saying something that seems ungrateful. I know that I’m lucky to be here, now, to be able to read and write and not have to get married at the age of fourteen like my great grandmother did. I’m lucky that I have such amazing friends and that my mum is so incredibly supportive. These are the kind of things that I say, sincerely only half the time (sometimes even I find my own hufflepuffness annoying), before joking that I don’t deserve it. This brings me onto the second kind of luck – believing that everything’s a fluke and a huge part of your achievements are just chance. Everyone wants this kind of luck but thinking you have it is a curse. It makes you feel incredibly paranoid, because everyone knows that this kind of luck doesn’t last forever. You end up overcompensating, labouring over the most ridiculously insignificant details trying your best not to trip up. Every time I sit down to write I wonder what the point is; I know there’s nothing I have to say that hasn’t been better said before. What makes me such an expert on anything? Maybe that’s why I love writing about myself – it’s something I’ll always be the foremost authority on.
You can’t fail if you don’t try and I really hate trying. Applying for anything from a summer school to a job at Boots (they emailed me back and actually don’t want me 😦 ) is nerve-wracking because how I could possibly persuade you that I’m worth taking a chance on? I don’t believe that I’m special, nor do I want to. Believing that you are gets you into #EdStone situations and nothing could possibly be more humiliating for me than to screw up and have everyone know about it. In fact, I don’t think I would be afraid of failing at all if there were no social consequences. But all the Judgy McJudgersons will be gone one day and I will finally run out of people to blame for my less-than-healthy choices. That’s why I think it’s probably a good idea to take the heat off myself now. Wow, I think my self-esteem issues are so deep-rooted that I could probably squeeze another few posts out of them!
Believing you deserve a seat at the table can be the hardest thing in the world which is why you should ask questions later. There are so many completely unqualified people who insist on having jobs they really shouldn’t do and I envy their tenacity. The Dunning-Kruger effect is some real-life-not-just-my-random-thoughts evidence that we’re all capable of underestimating our own capabilities. It’s okay to screw up. Be as kind to yourself as you are to the people around you.
Why am I writing? I could be all cute and sarcastic and say something about how I really am arrogant enough to believe my own opinion NEEDS to be heard but that seems like a cheap laugh at this point. I write for me, and it’s only when I write for myself that the words seem to come out nicely at all. I hope that understanding myself makes me better at understanding other people. I like when people come up to me in the corridor and we talk about my last post.
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