Whenever I go out to a party or any place where public interactions are inevitable, my first thought and that of most of my friends is “What am I going to wear?”
Clothes are important, like the cover of a book – most people will judge you on it from just a single glance. I am not saying that this should be the way society judges people, but I am saying that society today is not above it. So, what am I going to wear? What you pick out never seems to please everyone, including you. Not always but often, you may pick out something you don’t like but which you know others will. Something sexy to someone but not to yourself. This is sometimes known as secondhand attraction, where you recognize a look's appeal via someone else’s perspective even if it doesn’t personally resonate with you.
A study from the University of California revealed that people can predict their partner’s preferences with about 80% accuracy. What fascinates me is that we seem to know more about what others like than what we actually like. We go out of our way to look pretty, bossy, sporty, sexy, confident – to play a role, in short, but how can you genuinely feel that way if you don’t like what you wear?
I stole this article’s title from Clairo’s song 'Sexy to Someone'. She sings, “Sometimes sexy to someone is all I really want...Nothing more, nothing less of a thought," and I agree with her. Of course we all want to be sexy to someone else and that's completely normal. However, if it becomes a persistent, nagging thought rattling around the back of your mind, that's when it's toxic. Seeking constant appraisal and validation leads to a cycle of dependency and imbalance in both relationships and everyday life. It can cause significant stress and an abundant amount of conflicts which neither you nor your partner may be able to withstand. I know first-hand that it's tiring, it's never that rewarding and it always comes at a price.
One way in which this issue can be dealt with in a relationship is talking to your partner. If you can't do that then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them. Feeling comfortable and safe around someone is so important that it makes the word important seem less important. You may also want to think about setting some clear boundaries regarding what you do and don't wish to wear if the situation calls for it.
Aside from this, engage in some quality self-reflection: get your thoughts on paper or even talk to yourself in the mirror. Get some sort of encouragement and a positive message across to yourself.
By dressing for other people, we train our society on the principle of appealing to others before appealing to ourselves. And bit by bit, these perspectives eventually form a uniform belief of what is perceived to be “sexy” or “bossy”. It creates a lack of diversity and a stifling artificiality as we all try to prove to one another that we like the same things.
But we just don’t. All humans are different. And that's okay.
I say, cut it all out. Wear what you like, when you like, with who you like. Caring about other people’s judgements is time-consuming and who has time to do that when, as it has been pointed out, you had 37 hours of reading to do over half term?
Be sexy to yourself and not to someone else, because there’s nothing more sexy than someone being themselves.
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